When Rivendell was Carefree
by eriathwen
Summary: Ever wonder why Rivendell sobered up so much after 'The Hobbit? Read here to find out. Told from Bilbo's POV, set during the Hobbit.
1. The night before

One day, a very wet and crabby hobbit arrived in Rivendell. What he didn't realise is that it was a day with a 'ë' in it, which means 'party time' in Elvish.

The Hobbit stepped timidly up to the great dwelling, in awe of its beauty and grandeur, just as an elf stepped out and was sick all over his feet. He began to wonder just what this place was, his guide books had mentioned the architecture, but no vomit, shining and Elven though it might be

"Oh, great." said Balin from behind him. "Another *khuzdul here* party. Well I'm off to bed."

Bilbo looked nervously around, afraid it was going to be awkward, he didn't know anyone, after all, and they had arrived late. Just then, two incredibly lovely elves came out of the building.

"Hi, I'm Mariwen" said one

"And I'm Suiel" said the other.

"You're a halfling, aren't you?" they giggled

"Um... yes." Bilbo smiled nervously, quite taken with their skimpy outfits

"Oh." Mariwen grabbed Suiel's arm and led her away "Valar, where's Legolas got to?"

"Never mind that, now" hissed Suiel, nodding her head in Bilbo's direction,  "air-hay eet-fay" she giggled at Mariwen, in some high Elvish tongue Bilbo did not understand.

He blushed anyway, hoping it was complimentary, and shuffled further in, immediately being grabbed by a drunken (presumably) male Elf, whose lipgloss had smeared terribly, "Mae... *hic* Govannen... here, 'ave a drin'.."

Wondering what strange Elvish dialect this was, he took one sip of the clear and beautiful scented beverage, and immediately became rather inebriated. It seemed the Elves brewed a powerful drink, something about "imported" was around the neck of the bottle, although the tengwar letters were rather smudged. Or maybe that was just his eyes.

Still, the party was looking up. Speaking of looking up, everyone here was Elven-tall, and he was starting to get dizzy, as a precaution, he made his way to a wall, hoping for support. He found it, in the shape of Mariwen and Suiel, who were trying desperately to get him to do... something, he couldn't work out what. He discerned by their wavy hand gestures that this was something concerning the bottle he was holding and their bodice laces, quite what still hadn't clicked, due to a fog initiated by the former and reinforced by the latter that engulfed his mind

Just then, someone shouted "Hey, the Birthday nessi's here!"

The entire room broke out in tumultuous applause.

A vision, yea, no, 'twas real, in pale leather and laces entered the smoky room, the air pirouetting away from her in intoxicating trails, he felt his mouth go dry, and immediately administered more of the strange liquid to it.

"Tinuviel... Tinuviel..." Bilbo shouted, using the Hobbit slang for 'sexy'

She turned, suddenly, a light of sparkling alcoholic beverages in her eyes, and saw him, there was a brief, sweet pause, and she flashed him a wink that would've made Eru think wrong, wrong things.

He walked - or should that be meandered - up to her, giving her the traditional elvish greeting ' Gîl síla erin lû 'ovaded lín,' meaning 'What's a fair maiden such as you doing in a dwelling such as this?'

She hiccupped slightly, and giggled, "I'm jusht having a little party... Daddy's away, you see."

Bilbo found himself giggling too, even though it wasn't remotely funny.

"Really? Well... Isht's a verrry verry good par'y," he said

"You really think so? I was worried-" and at this point she laughed seductively- "no one would ...enjoy... themselves..."

Bilbo flushed, and took another swig of the alcohol. Seeing this made the maiden laugh even more.

He toyed with a strand of her hair that had somehow made it into his chubby hand "Um... are you *enjoying* yourself, I mean, it's your party and all.."

"Well... it could be /more/ enjoyable..." she said, running her hand through his curly brown locks.

He swallowed... this was looking... interesting. "Ah... you... ah.. um." He looked down and blushed more, noticing a certain embarassing side effect to sitting next to a rather tipsy Elven Maid "I... ah... I've noticed you around..."

"Really?" she laughed, teasing him, "And here I was thinking you'd just arrived..."

"You... ah, have haunted my dreams for many years, for are you not a sweet goddess?"

She laughed wildly. "If I had wanted elvish compliments, I would have chosen one of the ponces who live here." she seized his arm. "Now, tell me," she said, her face mere milimetres from his "Is it true what they say about hair feet?"

"Well..." said Bilbo, his face a darker crimson than the hawaiian parrot decorations "I suppose it is"

"Really...?" Her voice was breathy and heated "Could I be so bold as to... investigate?"


	2. The morning after

Several hours later, Bilbo felt something pointy poking his side as he lay on the cold stone pavement of the courtyard. He soon discovered it was the toe of a dwarven boot.

"Oi, mate, get up, we gotta get out, the party's busted!"

"Yes, wake up Bilbo, you lazy sod, Elrond's back"

"Whuh...?" the bewildered hobbit tried very hard to make the room congeal into a logical picture. It wasn't obeying, however, and he gave up. "I... party?"

"Yes, Bilbo... you did" said a deep voice with a long grey beard attached

"Ooh.." now he thought about it, that rather explained the room's current state of instability. With a lot of difficulty, Bilbo forced the room into focus. "Gandalf!" he exclaimed at the long grey beard, now revealed to be the Istar himself

"Yes, yes, dear Hobbit, now perhaps some form of clothing would be wise?"

Bilbo looked down and saw he was wearing only a small elvish thong with the star of Earendil emboidered on in mithril thread

"Ah..." He scrambled for clothes, attempting to piece together the last night, as they bundled quickly out of the door, Gandalf nudged him and muttered something about "older women" He looked back... surely not?

Trying to think back on the night before, he couldn't remember much. Gandalf, when Bilbo was suitably acceptable, led him off down some corridors. He heard a female elvish voice raised in argument inside one of the rooms he passed.

"Ada... It was only a little party!"

"But Arwen! What of Estel?!"

"But Ada, you don't like him, either!"

"I know, Arwen, but we have to think of the Imladris-Gondor trading alliance..."

"All you ever think about is your trading alliances! You never even let me go out anymore, all the other Elves' parents said yes!

"I don't care what everyone else says!"

"You just don't care about me! If you did, you would've bought me that pony!"

"Oh for goodness sake Arwen, you've got Glorfindel's old horse, what more do you want?!"

Suddenly, just as the voices were starting to ring some bells in Bilbo's misty brain, Gandalf grabbed his arm.

"No eavesdropping!"

"I wasn't eavesdropping!"

Gandalf just glared and muttered about exposition "You Hobbits are terrible liars, now, we must away!" he said, dragging Bilbo to a room full of dwarves, before swooping off to 'have his beard trimmed before they left'

One of the Dwarves (he still wasn't in any condition to differentiate) winked at him "So... have a good night?"

Wondering about how everyone managed to know so much when he could remember so little, Bilbo nodded. "Um... What did I do?"

The Dwarves exchanged the kind of look which is precisely the look you do not  want to see the morning after.

Thorin looked at him in particular distaste. "Which parts _can_ you remember?"

Bilbo felt his ears heat up "Um... I.. it was nice."

Raucous laughter ensued for several minutes

"Heehee... nice?! Nice... hahahaha" Gloin finally wheezed

"I BET it was!" laughed Bofur

"_She_ was..." corrected Fili and Kili, giggling.

Bilbo's eyes widened in horror. A small voice whispered some of last night's details back to him. "Oh Eru..." he choked, and put his head in his hands. "Who was she?" he asked in a small voice

Several more minutes of raucous laughter ensued

"You mean you don't know?"

He blushed "Well, since a few months back, there have been so many unspeakably beautiful Elvish girls around these parts..."

"Yeah right, and my name's Thorin Elf-friend" laughed Thorin

"She was **only** bloody Arwen, mate!" Gloin clapped him on the back "If she wasn't an Elf, I would've fancied her meself!"

"Arwen... Undòmiel? Elrond's... daughter?" said Bilbo slowly, aghast

"The very same, you jammy sod!"

"Oh." said Bilbo, followed by some choice Khuzdul he had picked up

"Indeed." Gandalf had reappearred. "And now, gentlemen, for a very sudden departure."

"Yes. I think that's a very good plan," said Bilbo, quickly planning an amicable stay at the Last Homely House to tell to his Hobbit friendsm mostly involving tea, simple board games and as little innuendo as he could manage. (no spoons)


End file.
